The Journey Backward
by csipal
Summary: Companion to Voluntary Release. GS No Spoilers


This is a companion to _Voluntary Release _but could be taken as a stand-alone. However, it would make me very happy if you read both!

Betas are a wonderful thing and mine is the best! Many thanks to Nessa Owen for her attack of the red pen! In case you guys don't know, my grammar sucks! I'm currently on the lookout for _Grammar for Dummies. _Let me know if anyone finds a copy!

All reviews are welcome!

GSGSGSGSGS

On the way to the station, Grissom tries to calm his beating heart. When he first received the call, to say that he was filled with fear would be putting it lightly. _"Is she all right?"_ The officer assured him that she was, but he knew the truth. Sara hadn't been all right for a long time.  
  
_"You see me everyday."_ Those words come back to haunt him now. He hopes that this incident is a one- time thing, but something tells him that it isn't. This last year has been rough for her and he doesn't deny his role in that. The latest problem between them was his recommendation of Nick for the promotion. He admits that the reason he gave her was pitiful but feels as though he was in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. At the time he thought he made the correct decision, but from the second he sent his recommendation, he started to doubt.  
  
As he makes his trek into the building towards the front desk, the close working relationship between the officers and his CSIs is not lost upon him. He will have to make sure that this incident doesn't hit the rumor mill, for Sara's sake.  
  
After he gives his name and Sara's to the receptionist, she pages the officer who pulled her over. He stops listening after "she was lucky". He knows that the officer meant in a legal sense, but to him it takes on a whole other meaning. She could have been hurt. She could have been killed. Visions of Debbie Marlin, lying slain on the floor, flash through his head. If Sara had died as a result of her drinking, then, in his mind, that would have made him no less a murderer than Dr. Lurie. He's not arrogant enough to think that he is the source of her problems but he knows he's a part of them. He just doesn't know how to fix them.  
  
"…did have to call a supervisor." They stop at the waiting room and the officer points to Sara.  
  
"Well, thank you. I appreciate the courtesy." Walking over to Sara, he observes her slumped and defeated form. _Oh Sara. How did we get here?  
_  
He looks at her and sighs, needing to say so much but once again struck speechless in her presence. She stares straight ahead and the tired look in her eyes makes him want to hold her to his chest and tell her to rest. His arms would comfort and protect her. She would feel his love. The urge to touch her, to reconnect with her is so strong.  
  
Settling for slipping his hand into hers he says, "Come on. I'll take you home."  
  
**GSGSGSGSGS**  
  
The drive over to Sara's is filled with silence. Having her in the passenger seat brings up some old memories. Memories he wishes he could bring back.  
  
The first time he met Sara was at one of his seminars. He was looking down at his notes preparing for his speech when the students began entering the auditorium and something caught his eye. He scanned the sea of students, not sure what he was looking for, until he found it -- found her, rather. There was nothing special about what she was wearing or how she did her hair, it was they way she smiled when their eyes connected. It was then that he knew of beauty, and that she was going to be a part of his life.  
  
Every evening after class they met at the local coffee shop. There they discussed everything from science and forensics to their shared love for frozen candy bars. On that last night he drove her home. He had walked her to her door and given her his card, saying that if she needed a reference, he'd be glad to give one. The pull to kiss her was strong and he knew the attraction went both ways. She leaned towards him, offering herself and he wanted to take her. Just before his lips brushed hers, he pulled back with an apology. She was too young…he was too old…she was practically his student -- these were his excuses. It was hard not to miss the disappointment in her eyes.  
  
_"I couldn't do it…"_ It was that night he was referring to when he gave his speech to Lurie, not her dinner invitation, though that was another opportunity missed. He often wondered how different things could have been today. He wondered now if they would be driving home together after an evening out instead of him dropping her off after her near-arrest.  
  
As they pull in to the parking lot, Sara turns and thanks him. When she exits the car Grissom realizes that this is not how he wants this to end. They need to talk. He needs to find out if tonight was a one-time thing or if she has a problem. He needs to find out if he can help, if she would let him help.  
  
He runs up to meet her just as she reaches her door and she turns to him with confusion in her eyes. Grissom opens his mouth to speak but feels nothing but hollow words. He closes his mouth and studies her face. _She's a little older and tougher but still the same Sara. I'm a little older and wiser, am I still the same Grissom?_ He leans in hoping she understands what he's doing, hoping that his actions will convey all he wants to say. He can't change the things that have happened over the past few years but he can try_. Maybe I can fix it._  
  
She doesn't resist when he brushes his lips against hers. Taking that as encouragement, he slips his hand behind her neck and deepens the kiss. His offer of comfort, friendship and love are poured all into that one moment. Just as he was beginning to think he could kiss her forever, reality hits him--nothing has changed. He is still her supervisor. She is still too young. Panic suddenly overtakes him and he pulls away. He jumped into something he wasn't prepared for. He still doesn't know what to do about this or what he can truly offer in the long run.  
  
Turning to run away, he catches the look in her eyes. It is not the disappointment that was in her eyes years ago. There is no surprise. It's almost as though she expected this of him. That knowledge hurts him in a way he never felt before, but he only has himself to blame. _I'm still the same Grissom- a coward._


End file.
